Are Your Marriage Expectations Too High?
Why real love doesn’t look like a rom-com—and that’s okay.
Marriage used to be all about survival. Think arranged unions, shared land, and producing heirs—not date nights and “soulmates.” Sounds wild, right?
Thankfully, we’ve moved beyond that. Today, most people marry for love, connection, and personal growth. But with that shift comes a new challenge: have our expectations become too high?
According to psychologist and author Dr. Blaine Fowers, we now expect marriage to meet almost all of our emotional, sexual, and personal needs. And when it doesn’t? We feel frustrated, disappointed—even disillusioned.
So, are you asking too much from your marriage without realizing it? Let’s find out.
3 Marriage Expectations That Might Be Setting You Up for Disappointment
Ask yourself if any of these sound familiar:
“Marriage should be 50/50—my partner and I should contribute equally.”
“This is just who I am. If my partner really loves me, they’ll accept it.”
“Romance is essential. If we’re not feeling the spark, something’s wrong.”
If you nodded “yes” to any of these, don’t panic. You’re not alone. But experts like Dr. Jeffry Larson say these expectations can quietly sabotage your relationship.
Let’s unpack each one—and what to do instead.
Expectation #1: Marriage Should Be 50/50 All the Time
Reality check: a perfect 50/50 split doesn’t exist—at least not daily.
Life is unpredictable. Careers, kids, mental health, and personal stress all affect what each partner can give at any moment. One day, your partner might be carrying 80% of the load. The next day, it’s your turn to step up.
Rather than obsessing over “equal” effort, zoom out. Look at the balance over weeks or months—not days. Healthy couples practice flexibility, support, and give-and-take.
🧠 Reframe it: It’s not about keeping score—it’s about being teammates.
Expectation #2: “Love Me As I Am—No Changes Necessary”
Yes, your partner should accept and appreciate you. But expecting unconditional love without growth? That’s a recipe for resentment.
According to Dr. Larson, people are loved to the extent that they are lovable—and that’s based mostly on behavior. Think about that. Being emotionally available, kind, self-aware, and open to feedback makes you easier to love.
Instead of digging in and saying, “This is just how I am,” ask:
“What’s it like to be in a relationship with me?”
Are there behaviors or habits that could be softened, healed, or improved? Growth isn’t rejection—it’s a form of love.
🧠 Reframe it: True love is about accepting who you are and encouraging who you’re becoming.
Expectation #3: If There’s No Romance, Something’s Wrong
Romance is amazing, and yes—it matters. But research shows that long-term relationship satisfaction is built more on kindness, trust, and shared values than passion alone.
Dr. John Gottman, a leading marriage researcher, says that great marriages are rooted in deep friendship. That means mutual respect, shared laughter, and genuinely liking each other as people.
If the spark feels like it’s fading, it doesn’t mean the marriage is broken. It might just be time to invest more in small, consistent moments of connection.
Try:
Asking about each other’s day
Leaving a kind note or sending a “thinking of you” text
Saying “thank you” more often
Doing something thoughtful—just because
🧠 Reframe it: Focus on friendship first—and the romance often follows naturally.
So…What Should You Expect from Marriage?
Marriage won’t solve all your problems, meet all your emotional needs, or make you feel giddy every single day.
But here’s what a strong marriage can offer:
A safe space to grow
A partner to navigate life with
Shared memories, goals, and laughs
A chance to become the best version of yourself—together
When couples trade perfection for connection, they create space for something better than a fairy tale: a real, resilient relationship.
Lower the Pressure—Not the Standard
High expectations aren’t the enemy. Unrealistic ones are.
Instead of asking your marriage to be flawless, ask it to be honest. Instead of expecting your partner to complete you, focus on growing together. And instead of chasing constant romance, build a friendship that’s deep enough to last.
Because in real life, love isn’t about perfect balance or passion 24/7—it’s about showing up, choosing each other, and finding joy in the everyday.