Marriage Communication 101: Managing Expectations Without Losing Your Mind
“Expectation feeds frustration. It is an unhealthy attachment to people, things, and outcomes we wish we could control, but don’t.”
—Dr. Steve Maraboli
Let’s be real: nothing messes with your relationship vibe faster than unmet expectations.
I once forgot my second wedding anniversary. Yep. Two years in, and the big day completely slipped my mind. To be fair, I was drugged up and stuck in bed recovering from ankle surgery. My husband, bless him, didn’t freak out. He’s the kind of guy who gives grace, which made me love him even more. Instead of dinner reservations and champagne, we exchanged homemade crayon cards—complete with sappy, middle-school-style love notes. And honestly? It was perfect.
Marriage is hard enough without dragging Hollywood-level expectations into the mix. Add in social media highlight reels, financial pressure, and real-life chaos, and it’s easy to feel like your relationship is falling short. But here’s the truth: you're not married to a curated Instagram story. You’re married to a real person with flaws, feelings, and probably a laundry pile they’ve been avoiding.
It’s time to get honest about expectations, how they shape our relationships, and what you can do to communicate better and connect deeper.
What Are Reasonable Relationship Expectations?
1. Know the Difference Between Wants and Needs
Wants can get wild. (A vacation home in Greece? Yes, please.) But needs? Those are more consistent. Think: emotional safety, peace, connection, and being seen.
Start by asking yourself:
What actually makes me feel grounded and happy in life?
What simple things fill my cup?
What do I really need to feel okay in my relationship?
Try this with your partner:
✅ Make a list of things (big or small) that bring you joy—music, tacos, hikes, cozy nights in.
✅ Look for themes. These usually point to core emotional needs—like freedom, creativity, affection, or security.
✅ Share your findings and talk about how to support each other’s needs in everyday life.
2. Learn Each Other’s Love Languages
If you haven’t talked about love languages yet, start now. Understanding how you and your partner naturally give and receive love is a total game-changer.
Maybe you feel connected through quality time, while your partner thrives on words of affirmation. Knowing this helps you avoid missing the mark or assuming your partner “should just know” what you need.
Talk through:
What fills your love tank?
What’s something your partner does that makes you feel loved?
What could they do more of—even if it doesn’t come naturally to them?
A little intention goes a long way.
Learn more about the 5 Love Languages →
3. Say What You Actually Want
No one’s a mind reader. If you don’t speak up, you’re basically setting a trap.
Before we got engaged, I told my now-husband I didn’t want a diamond ring or a dramatic proposal. He was so relieved. We both got what we wanted because we actually talked about it.
Simple conversations save a lot of stress.
Whether it’s about Valentine’s Day plans, intimacy, or how you split household chores—be honest and clear. You’re not being “needy.” You’re being an adult.
4. Don’t Expect Your Partner to Be Someone They’re Not
This one’s big. You can’t change someone by wishing hard enough. If your partner isn’t naturally romantic, don’t expect a surprise weekend getaway unless you say you want one.
Instead of comparing them to your mom, your best friend’s boyfriend, or a fictional character from a rom-com, focus on who they are and what they do bring to the table.
Give grace. Assume the best. And offer the same kind of compassion you want from them.
5. Put Everything in Context
Life is messy. People get sick, lose jobs, go through burnout, or forget anniversaries (guilty). Don’t let one moment define your whole relationship.
Check in with your reality:
Are they really ignoring you, or are they exhausted from work?
Is the tension about the dishes… or something deeper?
Are you upset about what happened, or what you expected to happen?
Adjusting expectations to match real life doesn’t mean settling—it means setting yourself up for peace instead of disappointment.
6. Appreciate What You Have
Let’s talk gratitude. Not in a “toxic positivity” way, but in a you-get-what-you-focus-on kind of way.
Instead of spiraling about what’s missing:
Celebrate the small wins
Say thank you often
Take time to reflect on how far you’ve come as a couple
If you’re stuck in a rut, ask:
Am I focusing more on what’s lacking than what’s working?
How can I shift my energy toward giving instead of waiting to receive?
Want more joy? Be the source of it.
7. Live in the Now
Stop waiting for perfect. Life is happening right now. Don’t postpone happiness until your partner changes, or you lose 10 pounds, or your bank account hits a certain number.
Make memories in the middle of the mess. Laugh more. Be silly. Be present.
The more you embrace the moment, the less power unmet expectations have.
Final Takeaway: Real Love > Perfect Love
The higher your expectations, the farther the fall. Keep them realistic, communicate clearly, and love generously.
Marriage isn’t about perfection—it’s about growth, grace, and showing up for each other. Every. Single. Day.
So ditch the fantasy and embrace your beautifully imperfect reality. You just might find that it’s more than enough.
Recommended Resources:
🧠 Expectation vs. Reality Trap (Verywell Mind)
📚 Learn About Love Languages
🎨 Fun idea: Google “Expectation vs. Reality” images together and laugh at how real it feels. Then talk about your own relationship expectations—what’s realistic, what needs tweaking, and how you can better support each other.